Let’s say you own a multi-million, multi-billion dollar a year company who supplies it’s customers with value, quality and excellent service. You believe in good solid products and have a history of returning customers time and time again. You treat your employees with respect, pay a good solid salary with benefits and maybe even a free pizza lunch on the first Friday of every month! Your company is win-win! Your company is profitable and making a difference in this world!

So why are you buying this crap to give away at holiday events?!

I live in America.  In America we have lots of paper that is always flying around.  Also if a burglar walks into my cubicle I can throw this glass America paperweight at him and he will die so with this gift I feel safe.  And very proud of my brand.  My brand is ComAir.

How exactly DOES this fortune cookie actually work?  How are you expecting your employees to react?  Jubilantly?  Super excited?  Do they instantly email their spouses to say, “Oh my god, you’ll never believe what I received today from upper management.  You’ll be so…gleeful…when you see it.”

And I’m sorry, what exactly….what IS this?  Looks a little….”mature” to me.

This thing, this Night-and-Day Crystal Beveled Clock is……$67!!!!!!!!!

And if you’re just feeling a little silly, goofy, down right CRAZY, you could buy a buttload of these!  They’re super fun and honestly, it’s the BEST way to make big decisions in the office.

Epic Winning.

So the New York Times has officially declared that there’s a new verb in town: Sheen.

“Then we did some Charlie Sheen-ing and we were fine,” said Mr. Parker, to a roar of laughter. Added Mr. Stone: “We were just sheening our heads off.”

But what, exactly, did that mean? Drinking? A raucous pre-Oscars party involving cocaine and porn stars?

You ready for Sheen to never go away?

But it’s got to fade at some point, right?  Like you haven’t heard me diss Sarah Palin lately, right?  These things….ebb and flow.

But Charlie Sheen.  It’s fun right now.

Sergio, in Purchasing, is so obsessed with the subject that he declared the other day that from now on, he would like to be known as “Charlie”.

I can hardly even watch the interviews myself – if I do, I watch them through my fingers like it’s a horror film.

Sheen Sheen Sheen.  You bored yet?

Nope.  Not yet.  Check it:

Thank you Pixar, for making “family viewing time” palatable.  Actually, MORE than palatable.  When anyone says, “Can I watch something?” I’m the first to say, “What about THE INCREDIBLES?  UP?  TOY STORY 2, you know, the one with Jessie?  Or how about FINDING NEMO?”

Even though I resent having to explain to a toddler or two a little earlier than I wanted about death, infertility, adultery, killing, that fact that your mother might die, the fact that all your co-toy friends are all going to die in a firey pit of hell….

I LOVE YOU!

You’re brilliant.  This Brad Bird….Brad Bird.  You know him?  You should.  I can’t believe I just linked Brad Bird to his Wikipedia crap, but honestly, most brilliant man in movie history.  Is that a little hyperbolic?  Maybe.  But seriously!  Those who know, are already converts, yes?

But for now, I got some Pixar here for you:

And of course, the part of UP that makes everyone cry:

Groovin’ With Ken:

Best AA meeting ever:

Move over, Justin Bieber

by Medusa

I just used the intertubes to divine the next recording sensation to sweep the nation.   And it’s not another teeny-bopper heartthrob with irritating hair.  Meet Isaac van Duzen Reeve, an arty composer of sad avant-garde electronic music.  Or maybe a newly rediscovered ironic 80’s Swedish cover band.  Or maybe a Jethro Tull ripoff from Wilmington, Delaware.  Not sure yet.  But I do know we’ll all be rockin’ out to “…today is nearly always meaningless” in 2011.

It’s fun!  Make your own.

‎1 – Go to wikipedia, choose English and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 – Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 – Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture–no matter what–will be your album cover.

4 – Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together

Welcome new contributor Gretchen

So I just started this amazing book.  Ok, it’s basically a bathroom reader, and yes, it’s published by Esquire magazine – but what it lacks in high brow-ness, it makes up for in awesome-ness. 

It’s called WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, and is basically a collection of essays of first hand accounts of what it feels like to do all kinds of crazy things that most of us don’t do:  be bitten by a shark, walk on the moon, go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, change from a man to a woman, be in a plane crash. 

As I said, I just started this slender volume – but already, the amount of times I’ve found myself yelling out loud, “WHAT?”  “Oh my GOD!” or the like…well, it’s a lot.  A lot of times.  My neighbors must be wondering what’s going on in this apartment.

Here are a couple of great moments so far (I’m only on the first chapter, the “Battling Nature” chapter): 

From “What It Feels Like to Survive an Avalanche:”  “Luckily I had my hands over my face  I cleared the snow out of my mouth with my fingers.  And then I was screaming…I was bawling, I was out of my mind.  And then, I noticed it:  Al the tears were kind of running crossways across my face.  I realized I was laying kind of upside down and backwards….Now I had a mission.  I had to get out.”  (The dude dug inch by inch for 22 hours!)

From “What it Feels Like to be Stuck in a Tornado:”   “Just as I felt the entire trailer lift off the ground and begin to rotate, I blacked out.  I woke up twenty minutes later face down outside the house, on top of a rock the size of a pumpkin.”

From “What it Feels Like to Have Frostbite” (after this crazy explorer gets back home from his insane experience where he actually got the frostbite):  “The dead ends of my fingers were very black, and every time I touched one of them against something, it was agonizing.  Eventually I thought, ‘Well, why don’t I get rid of them?’ So I used a Black & Decker vise and a saw in the toolshed.” 

…WHAT??  YOU DID…WHAT? 

Just wanted to add a good video that will make everyone say WHAT THE….

His name is Robert Matthew Van Winkle.

Yes, this guy.

I remember reading a Rolling Stone interview with him in the….must be the early ’90′s….when the reporter asked him why he never smiles in any of his photos (hey!  he’s right!  Look uppie uppie, no smiley smiley!) – and Vanilla Ice said, “Because some day I will smile, and then it’s gonna knock everybody’s socks off.”

I’m paraphrasing.

But not that much.

Anyway, speaking of Rolling Stone, I’m thumbing through the latest issue last night and I see an ad for his new TV show.

Now, I’m not sure why it’s so hard to find out information on this new show – but the strangest, most obscure links come up when I try to Google it.

“Vanilla Ice TV Show”

“Vanilla Ice DIY Network”

“Vanilla Ice….(um…..)…..anything”

Turns out this gem is called….wait for it……

The Vanilla Ice Project.

Starts Oct. 14th.

He remodels homes.  For a whole half an hour (ok, maybe it’s an hour….)  There is one episode called “Nice Nice Landscaping”.

Oy vey.

Ok, finally I found an interview here that was with VI (Vanilla Ice for short…..) and NYT (that’s right, people, the friggin’ New York Times.  This shiznit is NEWS!!!) – but here’s just a snippet to whet yer appetito – and be sure to read ’cause that last paragraph here is the golden nugget:

Tell me about the house in Palm Beach.

It was a tax-lien property. We auctioned on it. The house, before I even touched it, already appraised at over $800,000, and I got it for $400,000, so I had a lot of room to play with. It was completely gutted — they took every cabinet, every sink, every toilet, every door and door frame.

It worked out good for me, because it shows really nasty on the show, and then we fix it up amazing. I use a lot of new things in this house that people have never seen in home building before, like ultra-modern, cool, high-tech things that even if you don’t care about Vanilla Ice you’re going to be entertained by.

Like what?

Most people aren’t accustomed to seeing mood lighting. If you’re in a bad mood, the lights will go red, and they’ll go blue if you’re in a good mood.

How does that work?

There’s some kind of sensor, like I guess a mood-ring sensor thing. I really don’t know, I still can’t figure out how it works, but it’s amazing. They’re all done in fiber optics. When they’re off, you can’t tell they’re in the house.

Anyway, can’t wait to catch this one.  I think I am going to learn a lot here.

Oh, and I have to show you this.  Because this.  This.  Is.  Genius.

And of course, I leave you with this.

Jenny from Accounts Receivable has a little something to say today.  Take it away Jenny…..

So the other day I was driving home from work and I came to a stop behind a truck…you know, one of those big manly type numbers.  And I’m sitting there grooving along to some tunes when I notice something hanging from the back of the truck, down low where the bumper is.  No…no way…wait…really?  Oh wow…flesh colored and everything.  Are those veins?

W-T-F people.  Seriously?  Have you guys ever seen these things?  And why would anyone hang this off the back of their truck?  I mean, ok…your truck kicks ass, right?  But do you really need to hang a set of veiny, flesh tone, rubber balls off the back of it?  I love my Honda Element.  It’s the perfect mom car, in my opinion…tons of room for kids/stuff, rubber floors and all…but I’m not going to hang a fake set of ovaries off the back, just to show that I’m packin’ some serious estrogen.  Although maybe I should patent some kind of giant, Victoria’s Secret type bra that fits on to the front of minivans the world over because that would be awesome, right?  No…no it wouldn’t be at all.

Well…to each his own, I suppose.  So for all you rubber nut sack dangling dudes out there…perhaps one of these Blue Q products would be just the thing for you.

 Well Hung Car Air Freshener (it’s a double entendre, you know):

And of course, I Heart My Penis Car Air Freshener because isn’t that what Truck Nuts (or Nutz or whateve’s) is all about?

Ok.  Back to work.  It’s already Wed…or Thurs…..  Whatev’s……Seriously, this ain’t no holiday no more.  The days are getting shorter and the nights colder and all that crap.  Say bye-bye to lobster rolls and outdoor concerts and mosquitoes and suntans and blueberry picking. 

See ya later 3 day weekends.

Sayonara iced coffee and sweaty backs and coconut smelling  Summer stuff.

Bye-bye shorts, flip flops, pools, oceans, lakes, sprinklers.

I don’t know where you live, but Blue Q is located in Western Massachusetts….the bucolic Berkshires.  It is literally called “America’s Premiere Cultural Resort”.

Summer home of the Boston Symphony Orchestra at Tanglewood.

Not 1, not 2, but a bunch of Summer Stock Theaters.  (Barrington Stage, Chester Theater Company, Williamstown Theater Festival, Berkshire Theater Festival, Shakespeare and Company).

The world famous Summer dance epicenter, Jacob’s Pillow.

There’s Mount Greylock to climb.

Edith Warton’s house, The Mount, to visit.

Mass MoCA (Wilco’s Solid Sound Festival was there this year, yee haw!!!), The Clark, Norman Rockwell, the list goes on and on and on.

Yes, it’s gorgeous here.  Sometimes I fear it’s enough to make one soft. 

Soft and boring.

But then!

Then after a way too quick Autumn, we get 7 months of cold and wind and snow and ice. 

7 months of no visitors, power outages, boots and mittens and hats and scarves.  Phone lines down, feet of snow to wade through to get to your snowblower, your car, your dog….. cracks around the windows letting the frozen air in.  You get the picture.

No wonder we make shit like this to keep up entertained. 

Don’t forget us up here in the mid-Winter tundra.  And yes, I know there’s still a few months till the dark mornings and depressing tasks of scraping ice off the windshields and frozen snot….but….you know me, I like to get the worst out of the way.

Hope you had a nice Labor Day.  I just sat around all weekend crying about what’s to come.

She coulda been our next….OH MY GOD DON’T SAY IT.

Oh, and yes, these are still available:

Here lies the cutest Blue Q store I ever did see.  Elva’s Old P.O. on Monhegan Island, 10 miles off the coast of Maine.  You have to get there by boat.  There are only a dozen vehicles on the island (and some renegade golf carts).

And I was lucky enough to be there (on vacation – yeeeee hawwww!!!).

I hate to even tell you where Monhegan Island is, because then, you see, you will go and then you will all be there and it won’t be the bestest little place ever but heck, what’re’ya’gonna’do?

There’s a wonderful photo essay done by Amy Toensing on the island (go to her site – click on National Geographic and then click on Monhegan Island). 

It’s got a tiny year round population, and the weather is tough to get through (although the locals will tell you that their favorite part of the year is the Winter), but during the Summer, it’s a great place to check out.

I mean come on, does a store get any cuter?  It used to be (yep, you guessed it) the old Post Office, run by Elva.

The proprietor said that the Weed Bank sells quite well (and by amazing coincidence a kid behind me hand one in his hand for purchase).

Are You Adult Enough?  (for Blue Q?)

Here’s a view looking out….

We LOVE profiling our stores.  If you have a favorite one, please send on over!!