Did you know that Twinkies contain Beef Fat?

And you can purchase half price packages of said Beef Fat Cream Filled Pound cake at the Hostess Thrift Shop.  Did you know that the Hostess Thrift Shop has a website???  And on website (oh, sorry, it’s a “Bakery Outlet” website), there is an icon that says “Counting Carbs?  Come on in!”

There is something so amazingly cathartic about driving 20 minutes out of your way to a store like that, walking in, and then paying for 8 boxes of Twinkies.  10 Twinkies per box.  Boxes of Twinkies.  Mmmmmmm.  Just saying that makes me feel so good.  Boxes of Twinkies piled up on the passenger seat.

I don’t buy Twinkies often, but I had this party to attend and I had no idea how to dress because the theme was Radioactive Bodega.  It benefited IS183 Art School of the Berkshires.  Seth (below on the right) spearheaded this brilliant shindig – they turned an old huge metal refinishing industrial space into this amazing event.  My friend called me in a panic hours before saying, “So, I’m supposed to dress up like…a store?”  Click here for more pics.

Hey look!  That girl made a dress out of our shoppers! 

So my concept was this:  I like to judge my friends by how I think they would be able to deal with a Zombie attack.  Like, Mike would do great with panic initially,  but he’d probably forget his “see in the dark goggles” in the car at some point and would go back to get it and then, bam!  Done.  Deborah would do well.  She’s crafty.  So, Deborah and I decided that we were going to walk the party with provisions that humans would need during a possible Zombie invasion (seemed to make sense to us).  Obviously, I had Twinkies.  They have like a 84 year shelf life.  She was going to carry batteries (hey, Deborah, I didn’t see one friggin’ battery!  Pringles are NOT batteries).

So, anyway, that is why there is an entire box (minus 2) of Twinkies in the kitchen here at work.

Sergio ate one yesterday at lunch.

So did Handyman.

I tried a Twinkie when I was putting my costume on this weekend.  Alone.  I closed the door.  Didn’t want anyone to know I was so weak that I had to eat one – I try to be healthy you know.  I opened up that crinkly wrapper, slid out that little mini poundcake with 3 insert cream holes on the bottom, sunk my teeth into the squishy beef fat pastry and I got a funny feeling in the back of my throat…. I mean, I think I’d be pretty good outliving the Zombies.  I’m pretty creative and can hold my pee if I really had to but Twinkies are completely disgusting and if I had to eat that to survive……

I’d be a goner.

I came into work yesterday morning to see a twig by the sink in the kitchen.  (If you don’ t know where this is going, see the previous blog post or go here.)

Here’s the note:

It reads:

 As some of you know, Sergio is unable to operate the water filter properly and has demanded a replacement.  Blue Q in an effort to accomodate the social and physical challenges of it’s employees is now offering a secondary method of delivering clean healthy water to all Blue Q employees.  So if you are having trouble with the filter, Serge will assist you in obtaining water with this new delivery option.  If you are unfamiliar with this type of device, it’s called a divining rod.  Please do not stare or make fun of Serge it you see him using the divining rod thus respecting his challenges and limitations.  Seth, the fixer.

By the way, Sergio and Seth really do get along.  See here from the Santa Pants Post.

Then I walk into work today, and there’s a new note taped on the mirror next to the “divining rod”.

The filtered water is, finally, fully f#$*d.  I am picking up a new unit at Carr’s.  M.N.

I suggested that when Seth walks in today, we all should just lay on the floor as if weak from dehydration – but he’s not in today.

Looks pretty innocent doesn’t it?

Starts out with one little leak.  “Oopsie!” someone whispers one morning when noticing a little water spurting out of the Pur Water Filter.

Then all of a sudden the dam breaks and water sprays in 3 different directions all at once and you’re covering your eyes and shielding your shirt.  It’s funny.  But not for long, SETH!

Speaking of Seth.  He “fixed” it.  You see that little – what is that?  a windshield?  spit guard? – with black electrical tape and…..a paper clip?…..a paper clip….that is not a fix, Seth.  That is a distraction.

Someone (Sergio) wrote on it: “Your Ad Here Call 1-888-F**K”.  Thanks Serge.  Classy.

An email was sent around today:

Seth,

We all love you very much.

But enough is enough.

I’m giving you 1 week to replace that f****d up water delivery system in the kitchen.

I’ve decided it’s not necessary for me to take a shower when I fill up my water bottle.

I’m not quite sure what will happen if you don’t comply. But I am sure you don’t want to find out.

Look. 

I know this is no earthquake.  There are bigger things in the world.  We’re just sayin’……

Cover, May 1962

Esquire magazine arrives in my home every month.  My husbands subscription.  A “gift”, he defends.  Sometimes I abhor it’s bizarre adoration to the female species – female species by the way that are a size 4, from Australia and hardly any over the age of 34 but I digress.  Sometimes….I can let that slide.  I mean, I do like to be adored (not that I’m a size 4….and I’m from Suburban Philadelphia).  But their articles – which yes, I do read the ARTICLES – are usually thought provoking.

Like this month has a great piece on the “Benefits of Quitting“ - the one with Leonardo Di Caprio on the cover.  Here’s an exerpt:

Drinking By David Granger

The hardest thing about not drinking for one month is five o’clock. Or seven o’clock. Or whenever you would usually have your first drink. There’s no physical craving to speak of. It’s just that you’ve gotten used to having a drink. You’ve been drinking for a long time. Years. Decades. You’ve grown used to relishing the anticipation of the first one. The first drink is the one you’ve been waiting for, and it’s just plain weird the first few times you deny it to yourself. In fact, the most difficult thing is not not drinking; it’s saying to the bartender, “Club soda on ice, with a piece of lime.” It’s a little embarrassing.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/benefits-of-quitting/#ixzz0h1ovu3Av

I’ve never quit anything really.  Or maybe I did – I guess I did since I used to smoke and now I don’t.  And I used to drink coffee but now I don’t (but that’s only 2 weeks strong – and I’m still drinking….drinking tea – and I’m weak during these horrible final days of Winter.  We’ll see.) 

My kid just quit her binkie.  But not willingly.  She certainly didn’t look herself in the mirror and say, “You know what kid?  You’re a big kid now.  You’re outta diapers, you’re putting on your own boots.  I think it’s time.  No more binkie.  Ready?  Oooooh yeeeeeeah, you’re ready.”

And man, seeing a kid go through this binkie withdrawal – intense.  I’m sure I wouldn’t have….withdrawal…with anything…..right?
I don’t usually call giving something up “quitting”.  So pejorative.  Unless it’s something that’s bad for you.  Here, I’ll use “quit” in a sentence. 

Tiger Woods is going to quit having sex with lots and lots of woman.
Here’s another.

I will never quit eating chocolate as there is no point for doing such a thing.

But ok, readers, ready?  What should I quit?  I will quit something for an entire month.  I swear.  Bring it.  I can handle it.  I’m a big girl.  Who wants to play?
(Anyone wanna do it with me?  No fun playing by myself – you know.  I’m a little….scared…..I shoulda done this in February – only 28 days in that month….crap).

Remember how poor Jenny had a 10th Anniversary at Blue Q surprise party?

But then she called in sick?

Well, we finally made it up to her.  Today.  It’s snowing.  Like white out snowing.  So it was pretty darn cozy in here.  All the love…can’t you just FEEL it?

Falafel, hummus, salad that had like…..pistachios?….oh my god, I now love pistachios in my salad and then that little pita number on the bottom left is pita that was broiled with toasted walnuts, sherry, tabasco and cheddar.

Congratulations again, Jenny.  10 years.  1 company.  That’s pretty damn amazing.  And Blue Q has like 6 employees who can claim that prize.

Crap.  It really is snowing out there.  I wonder how much wine is left over….

I don’t like disagreements between co-workers.  It makes for uncomfortable coffee times alone in the kitchen when you silently ignore the other person pretending that you’re thinking….really hard….about making……..coffee.  No time to talk to you, co-worker who I KNOW stole my copy of Bust Magazine out of the bathroom** because I saw it in your pocketbook.  I’m busy.  Must leave now.  And then you walk, very quickly and with strong footing out of the kitchen over to your desk.

But.

I’m going to have an open argument here.

Seth, my boss, says that this toaster – this toaster that I said, “Hey!  We should get this for the kitchen!  It’s so cool.” – he says this toaster looks like a car battery (ok, that’s not what he said, but I can’t remember now, and it kind of DOES look like a car battery).

Then he tries to sell me on his idea of HIS perfect toaster.  He’s all like, “I like THIS toaster, at least you can figure out where to put your toast, unlike that thing you like, I mean what is it, a toaster or a deep fryer?”

Oh.  That’s right.  He called my toaster a deep fryer.

Well, I think HIS toaster looks like a barn heater.

So there.

Either way, Seth, can you get us a friggin’ toaster that doesn’t take 43 minutes for a piece of bread to turn brown and crunchy?  It’s like waiting for a Spirit Airlines plane to lift off.  Every morning.

Thanks.

In advance!

**p.s. Is it totally gross to take reading material out of the john at work to show someone an article?  I routinely do it and I should probably stop, but you HAVE to read this in the Onion.  Couldn’t stop laughing.

Author quote:

“Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.”
Well here’s a disturbing cookbook that demands as many questions as it does ejaculations.

First, who in the world even thought of cooking with semen?  I just don’t see myself, or anyone for that matter, standing over a pan of fettucine al fredo and saying, “You know what this needs…”
Second, while this is clearly an ingredient available “at hand” I can’t say that I know any one who has it “on hand.”  So exactly where does one get “as needed” semen? Are you really calling your husband/boyfriend/partner away from his fishing/football/or figure skating on the television for a lovin’ spoonful of flavor every time you cook?
Third, what did this test kitchen look like? Did they hang a “sperm donors” sign over one door and “kitchen entrance” over the next? I’m guessing the health inspector wasn’t present.

Here’s a link to the book listing. Make sure you read the reviews. They’re as interesting and disturbing as the book concept itself:
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/natural-harvest—a-collection-of-semen-based-recipes/5198959?productTrackingContext=center_search_results

P.S.

FYI, I tried to find it on Amazon (can you believe they don’t carry it?).  But I did find this:
 
http://www.amazon.com/Big-Coloring-Book-Vaginas/dp/B000R0HU92/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266855460&sr=1-9

Meryl Hooker named Blue Q Sales Rep of the Year for 2009
(psst:  if you don’t know what the heck a Rep is, see ***Paragraph 5)

 The announcement was made in Booth #1509 at the New York International Gift Fair on Sunday, January 31st.   Upon receiving this recognition she thanked  “the baby Jesus, KISS, Blue Q and all of my fabulous customers.  Now that I have this sales thing down, I’m moving on to world peace!”  In attendance were Seth and Mitch Nash – the owners of Blue Q.

Refreshment platters of cheese, nuts and dried fruits were accompanied by red wine.  Also on hand for the festivities were Blue Q Sales Department honchos Jen Cummings and Paul Boulais. 

Ms. Hooker was not seen wearing velvet or taffeta, though she was spotted sporting the quite fully glittered and equine worthy 1st Prize ribbon.

A monetary award was presented – and not refused.  “Hey, I might not get that world peace thing figured out on the first attempt,’” quipped Hooker.

***Paragraph 5:
Since Art Star and Handyman can’t do it all ourselves, Blue Q enlists the services of Sales Reps all over the country (and Canada, too) to show our products to store owners, buyers and merchandisers at gift stores, grocery stores, etc.  Their voices are part of the Blue Q choir.  Meryl Hooker belts out loud and clear in the mid-Atlantic area.

A resident of Washington DC, she also covers Maryland, Delaware and Virginia  for Blue Q as well as other (less notable) lines.  Though a full time sales rockstar, she occassionally moonlights as a garden gnome.

Her favorite flower is the daisy.

Visit her blog - Road Rage – to keep in touch with all that she’s got goin’ on.

Deborah (Manager of New Product Development) and I went to the Society of Illustrators on East 63rd Street in Manhattan on Friday night to see Nate Williams talk.  And we’re now officially in love.

With the Society of Illustrators.  Why?  Who did you think I was talking about?  Oh, we love Nate too.  He’s prolific in his work that’s for sure, but also has a must have desire in this world of art – the desire to communicate.  He has 5 websites, promotes using Twitter, Facebook, blogging, etc.  

But he’s also just a genuine guy, ready to share with any illustrator anything he’s learned.  If you want to know more, you must check him out.

But this venue…..man.  The walls were covered with art from the ages.  Very excited to see it all in the flesh.

(I’m looking for the artist’s name of that Sarah Palin caricature.  Looks familiar, right?  Rolling Stone, The New Yorker?)

 The only disappointing part of the Society was their gift shop.  I mean seriously, look at these TOTALLY LAME bags, right?

I think I’ve seen better ones in my life….ones that are made from 95% post consumer recycled material and are just loaded with the coolest designs that I’ve ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes on.

Man.

We have the coolest job.

Thanks again for the print Nate!  It was great to meet you in person.

Not last night – cause I was sleeping with Evan Lysacek.

The night before that I was with Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso.

On Tuesday I was consoling Lindsey Jacobellis.

But I slept with Tiger Woods.  Many times over the years.

The first time we met was back in what ? 1995 when he won the US Amateur Championship title for the second time?  That’s when we met.  Yep, we slept together that very night.

Our paths have crossed over the years.  Nothing serious but, you know how it is with old friends, one thing leads to another and before you know it . . .

So I’m just another one of his conquests.  One of many.  And I’m not ashamed.  Many of you have slept with Tiger as well.  You know that you have.

I’ll sleep with him again.  And again.  And again.

Cause he ain’t going away and his greatness will continue long after the media whores have dumped him for the next scandal.

I am ashamed that I also slept with Johnny Weir.  I  have a weakness for pink tassels – what can I say.