For reasons I won’t even go into, I was surfing the web for religious lawn art and found the fine folks at Seasons LA, purveyors of such foam plastic items.

While I wasted far too much time on this site, I decided to save you the trouble and summarize the highlights of the company’s website.

1. Even though the company name is Seasons LA, the website actually begins with spaceageplastics. Because nothing says pious quite like spaceageplastics…?

2. The religious products page listing includes “religious statutory” – a term repeated throughout the page and site. Makes one wonder what some people are doing with these statues…

3. The religious statues link features a holy host of petrified and preserved saints. My personal favorites are:
 
a. St. Fiachre – I wasn’t familiar with this saint but a quick search revealed him to be the patron saint of “gardeners and cab drivers.” I’m sure Martha Stewart is thrilled with the affiliation.
b. Holy Family Starter Set – available in granite, bronze, African American, and, (ahem) “natural white”
c. Sacred Heart of Jesus – FYI, it’s not actually Jesus’ heart. It’s Jesus holding a heart. Disappointment reigns…
d. Kneeling Santa with Christ Child – While there are a number of disturbing aspects to this display (see below), I’ll just call attention to the fact that Santa is bald, bald, bald and baby Jesus is sporting more hair than the local weatherman. It’s just odd.
 

4. And my favorite part of the entire site, the Frequently Asked Questions section. Apparently customer service and foam plastics don’t mix.

The following are verbatim excerpts from the site. If you want more, go to:
http://seasonsla.homestead.com/faq.html

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I don’t feel safe faxing my check. Can I mail it?
A: Reality is, “what’s the differance”? We will have the same information in hand either way. By faxing it, your order will be processed faster. But please feel free to mail it and recieve your order at a much longer time, if the item(s) are stil available.

Q: I want to buy something from you but you wont sell it to me. Why?
A: You may have cost us alot of time in the past and that is bad for business. We do reserve the right to refuse service…. and we do enforce that right. So if your caught up in that, please just go somewhere else.

Q: I am very close to you, can i pick my stuff up from your warehouse?
A: Yes. By appointment only with a minimum three day notice. And we are only here at night.

Q: Can i trust your company?
A: Take your chance! (There’s actually more to this answer but I think that’s enough)

Q: Why is your FAQ board so abrasively worded?
A We live in an abrasive world like never before.

BONUS Feature: After spending/wasting an hour plus on this site, I then realized I had the sound off on my computer. Oh the joy that came over me when I realized the spaceageplastics played a continuous loop of a rather snappy version of Auld Lang Syne. It’s just the song that comes to mind whenever I’m shopping for crucifixes and Marys on the half-shell…”Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?…”